Five habits that keep a relationship warm, safe and lasting

A relationship stands on the small things of every day — how you speak, the respect you show, the trust you keep. It is rarely one big mistake that fades a relationship; most of the time it is small neglects, one after another. Whether you are stepping into something new or getting to know each other before marriage, these five habits are worth building now.

1. Never use a confidence in an argument

When someone trusts you with a weakness or a secret, it is a thing held in trust. Bring it up in anger and you may win the argument — and lose the trust. Trust, once broken, takes a very long time to come back.

2. Do not go silent without a word

Going quiet when you are hurt or angry is natural. But cutting off contact as your mood takes you, and coming back when it suits you, is a red flag in any relationship. If you need time, say so plainly: "I need a little time — let's talk tomorrow." Then keep your word, and come back.

3. Say your anger and your hurt with respect

You may be hurt, irritated, even furious. The feeling is not wrong; what goes wrong is how it comes out. To say what you feel without belittling or blaming the other person — "When you do that, it hurts me" — is a skill that can be learned, and one of the most useful a relationship has.

4. Do not take the small things for granted

Relationships live on little things: a call to ask how the day went, remembering a favourite dish, a cup of tea on a tired evening. Take the relationship as given and those little things go missing one by one — and their going is how a relationship begins to fade.

5. Listen first, then speak

Preparing your reply before the other person has finished — nearly all of us do it. Yet changing this one habit spares a relationship a great many needless fights. Hear them out, try to understand, and then say your part. Often, listening is the greatest support there is.

A last word

None of these five habits is hard; what is hard is remembering them every day. A relationship where both people keep trying to remember is the one that stays warm, safe and lasting.